Summary: Lily's POV, summer after fifth year and the "Mudblood" incident. She grieves for her lost friend. Slight SS/LE.
Genre: Angst. Like, teen angsty.
Author's Notes: I recently re-found a bunch of Marauders fic. So, I hope there's folks who still read the community and will enjoy this.
Coming home for summer holidays, Lily found herself in the moment she'd dreaded since that day by the lake. Her parents had gone out for the evening, and she and Petunia were both home, alone together. Sitting in front of the telly, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up as Petunia entered the room and sat down on the couch. "So, Lily, where's your ugly boyfriend? He's usually banging down our door by now, you'd think you'd get enough of each other at your freak school."
Slamming the ottoman out of the way, Lily marched out of the room with tears already prickling the backs of her eyes. She was not going to tell Petunia about it, because she knew exactly what her sister would say. Running up the stairs, she fled into her room and bolted the door behind her, using a Muffilato charm without thinking so that her sister wouldn't hear her cry. The owl that came a few moments later nudged the letter through her window and left, hooting mournfully at her prostrate form on the bed.
She'd replayed the day in her head a million times already, what he'd said and what she'd done. Hiding away, she'd cried for the rest of the afternoon and skipped dinner because she felt like hell. Thankfully, nobody had noticed her absence... but what mattered most was that she had lost her best friend. She'd only been able to face him for a few moments that evening before wanting to run back to the sanctuary of her bed; he couldn't hurl more insults at her there. On the train home, he'd went and sat with those stupid Death Eaters, not even looking once at her. Petunia was right - normally, by now, they'd be sitting back-to-back on Lily's sofa, each with their nose in a book, reading out loud to each other when they came across something interesting.
She'd been looking forward to this summer especially... it had seemed like they'd become even closer over the past year, and summer was the only time when he could be really relaxed around her. Sometimes they would sit with their knees touching or fingers laced together in a deserted corner of the library, but only when they were sure nobody else was around. It was like Severus became a different, happier person when it was just the two of them, when they weren't at school...
Which didn't matter a whit now, Lily sobbed to herself. Maybe she'd been imagining it, that he actually cared for her the way she did for him. Maybe she'd been stupid to think that she meant anything at all to him. He'd made it so perfectly clear to her that he hated her just like he and his friends hated every other Muggle or Muggle-born. They'd bloody talked about it, how not everyone was like his father; he'd admitted then that he liked Lily and her mother, and that some of the Muggle-born students were alright too. Maybe he'd been lying to her about how he felt about them all.
Lily cried until she couldn't breathe. It felt like her heart was ripped in two, the way he'd said what he did. She'd never thought that he'd look at her as coldly as he did, or that he'd say such horrible things about her. Maybe his stupid Death Eater friends had even dared him to go and 'apologize' to her, just so that they could all laugh at how nice she was. She'd been 'nice' for five years. She'd nicely told him that it upset her when his friends hexed her friends. She'd stuck up for him every time Potter and his friends tormented him. She'd nicely shared her notes with him in class. And she'd never told anyone about the times when she'd seen him near-tears, or when she'd tried to heal his bruises for him.
She wanted to hate Severus, but what Lily hated instead was Hogwarts. She hated that he'd come and told her about it, and she hated that he changed so much when he was there. It hadn't been apparent at first, but after second year, she saw that he was a Slytherin and she was a Gryffindor, whatever the bloody hell that even meant. She hated that his new friends had replaced her so thoroughly, and she hated knowing that Severus really didn't care about her at all. She hated that he came into her life six summers ago, and most of all she hated how she felt now that he was gone.
It was certain that he'd be sitting in his bedroom at that very moment, reading quietly and staying out of the way of his father. Lily wanted to sneak over there and throw pebbles at his window, help him to escape outside so they could talk and hang out together; bitterly, she acknowledged that she'd never be doing that again. Still, she wanted to just see him. She wanted to be able to look in his eyes and see something other than anger and hate. Lily wanted to just be near him - even if they were both totally silent and not right next to each other - just to know that they weren't actually enemies. But they were now, because she had let her temper get the best of her and she had told him that they had chosen different paths.
Admitting to him that she'd been wrong, admitting to him that she missed him terribly... Lily knew she couldn't stand to be rejected again by Severus. She would just die if she went to him and he laughed or sneered or mocked her for crying over him. He'd probably go and tell his friends too; the thought of that made her sob even more. In another situation, she pictured him coming back to her again, trying to apologize. He'd come and throw pebbles at her window, and she'd run downstairs and throw her arms around him, and she'd tell him that it was alright so long as he never did it again. They would sit up all night talking, and it would be just the two of them...
But Lily waited and hoped and prayed, and there was no more noise from outside than her quiet street ever had.